Harry Potter and the Time Travelling BabyPerv
by LJL
Summary: COMPLETE MAYBE! If you've followed the story this far, then someone's blessed you, and it sure ain't God. In this mindbending, selfparodying, rough fluff tale, Harry Potter discovers the wonders of fake love potions, time travel, and a somewhat broken fourth wall.
1. Harry and Cho: The Beginning

So, I finally decided to write something? Yippee! Hurrah! Hey, why aren't dancing? You're not overwhelmed? Oh, well, I guess I had too much sugar. Anywho, enjoy!

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Harry Potter was no normal boy, no sir, not at all. This is the explanation that you might get from the Dursleys, Harry's guardians, about their supposedly abnormal nephew.

But, it was true that Harry wasn't like every kid you met. For one thing, he was a wizard. From a certain point of view (namely, that of another wizard), there was nothing abnormal about that. But the thing that set Harry Potter apart from everyone else was the scar on his forehead.

When he was only a baby, Harry survived a curse from Voldemort, the greatest Dark wizard ever. Harry didn't find out why he wasn't killed (or even that he was a wizard, for that matter) until the end of his first year at Hogwarts. It was then that the headmaster, Dumbledore, told Harry that the fact that his mother died to save him prevented him from being killed too. 

And so, Voldemort's power was broken, and Harry got to live. But, from the looks of things at this very moment, as Harry and his friends Ron and Hermione, he wouldn't be alive for very longer.

They were huddled against a tree, in the forest, and being looked at as if they were a Mars Bar a mile long by a very nasty spider.

"Uhh, now what?" asked Ron, rather stupidly.

"What? How should I know?" asked Hermione.

"You're always the one with the answers, so I figured…"

"Shut up, both of you, or you'll attract more of them!" Harry said fiercely.

"Okay, we're going to have to stun it. It looks quick, so get ready. Ron?"

"Yes?"

"Levitate it. Hermione, could you conjure up…"

"A flame? I'll do it."

"Harry…" Ron began, but he was cut off. The spider was pouncing

The three shut their eyes, waiting to be torn apart, but it never happened.

A sweeping laugh made them open their eyes.

"You all right? Good, get up." It was none other than Jameus Chang.

"Jame? Is that you?"

"In the flesh. Mind telling me why you're out here?"

"Detention. Snape caught us putting lacewings into our Breeze Brew."

"You know, you really should stop goofing off in Snape's classroom. I hate him 

all most as much as you do, but still. Spending one day every other week in the Forbidden Forest serving detention just isn't a good plan of action."

"Like we haven't noticed," Ron snapped. Jameus was a sixth year at Hogwarts, and Harry and the rest were all fifth years. Ron didn't really like Jameus as much as Harry and Hermione did because Ron had had to face him in the Doomspell Tournament the year before. Jameus had, in short, kicked his butt.

"Come on people, let's get back to Gryffindor Tower. It's getting late." Suggested Jameus.

"We have to finish detention. By the way, thanks. What did you do to the spider?"

Jameus held out his hand and unclenched his fist. Inside was a tiny, immobile spider.

"Shrinking spell. Comes in very handy around here…"

Centaurs in the Forbidden Forest had raised Jameus. Although they hadn't been able to give him a wand, he fashioned his own, and snuck up to the school. Finally, when he was ten, he had gone and asked if he could attend. Dumbledore had been amazed at his wizarding talent, and had heartily agreed.

"Here, I'll come with you. The Forbidden Forest was my home for years, after all."

He had been stunned to find his twin sister attending Hogwarts, too. Although they were in different Houses (Jameus had been chosen for Gryffindor, while Cho, his sister, had gone to Ravenclaw) they kept in touch. They swapped secrets, a few of which were running through Jameus as he looked at Harry.

"You okay, Jame? You're staring…" said Harry.

"Oh! Sorry, I dozed off. Come on, let's find Hagrid. He would be…" Jameus shut his eyes tight for a moment. " That way. Lets go."

Jameus led the way towards Hagrid, but after ten paces, he stopped dead in his tracks.

"Don't move," he said slowly," there is something out there."

"What?" asked Ron, barely moving his lips.

"I don't know. Just keep still. I'll get it."

There was a loud bang as Jameus launched an attack. As it turned out, the spell was a Burning Charm, and Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Jameus approached the flaming figure.

"A Unicorn? But why would a Unicorn set off my senses? They never have before." Jameus said, holding his chin in the universal thought position.

"Look here." Hermione said, pointing at a small, greenish colored scar." It seems to have been bitten by something."

Jameus looked the wound over, and then, his eyes widening, looked up. "We need to leave, _now_. Right away! Go!"

"Why?" asked Ron.

"Because that is the work of a Randar."

Hermione gasped, but Harry and Ron looked puzzled.

"A Randar is a highly poisonous creature. It's poison drives the animal violently insane, before killing it." Hermione said.

"Oh." Harry and Ron said, at about the same time.

"Let's get out of here, folks. I'll get you out of trouble with Hagrid. With a Randar on the loose, no one should be coming to the forest." Jameus said, knowledgeably. 

Harry, Ron, and Hermione went with Jameus back up to the castle, and, wearily, went to sleep.

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The next day, on the way to breakfast, Harry and Ron bumped into Jameus.

"Hi Jame," said Harry.

"Hey Harry. Ron, how you doing?"

"Good." Ron said stiffly.

"I talked to Hagrid. He was really mad, but when I told him about the Randar, he softened up. Seems that a few years ago, a couple of kids were killed by a Randar that the school had managed to starve."

"How'd they do that?" asked Ron, his curiosity making him forget his grudge.

Jameus chuckled, "A special sort of potion, 'Brelackine' or 'Breylackine' or something. Ended with 'ckine', that's all I know." He said.

At that moment, a Ravenclaw girl came over to where Harry, Ron, and Jameus were standing. The moment Harry saw that it was Cho, Jameus's sister, he blushed and pawed at the ground a little. To his surprise, so did Cho. 

"Hi, everyone," she said, slowly.

"Hi, Cho." Jameus said, now chuckling a bit more. He motioned to Ron that they should leave the two alone. Ron got the message, and left, however silently. 

"Hi, Cho." Harry said, nervously.

"Hi." Cho replied, just as nervous.

"Well… how are you?" asked Harry, shakily this time.

"I'm good."

"How'd you like to go for walk tonight?" Harry blurted, then blushed.

Cho smiled. "I'd love to."

And, as they walked away, both broke down laughing.

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That night, Harry met Cho by the front door.

"How'd your day go? Tell me everything." Inquired Harry.

"Well, first was Transfiguration, as you know," Cho said, "and nothing much happened there. But then came Potions. Jarj Hamill spilled his Herdickine Draft all over me! Luckily, Jarj didn't make the potion too strong. It just burnt a small hole in this sleeve. See?" she asked, indicating a small tear in the fabric. Harry nodded, and she went on.

"I had Arithmancy next. It went pretty good, since nothing much ever happens there. I just took the course because I want to get into the Ministry."

"You want to work for the Ministry of Magic?" asked Harry, who was incredibly interested.

"Yes. I want to work in the Control for Muggle Sighting department. I had a good friend when I was really young who was thrown in jail for doing magic in front of Muggles. I want it to be fair."

At that, a large shape bounded out of the forest. It walked on two legs, with a third held in front of it. It had a large, curved tail raised above its head. A strange, purple goo was dripping from its mouth.

"A Randar!" Cho yelled.

And suddenly, Harry understood. _Herdickine_ _Draft!_ He thought._ Of course!_ The 'ckine' that Jameus couldn't remember! The starving Randar had come to the school looking for food.

And apparently, it had found food.

The Randar leapt, but Harry was quicker. His wand shot a sparkling beam of energy at the Randar. The Randar was killed, but its momentum kept it coming. All Harry saw was Cho jumping away and that curved tail coming at him, before he blacked out.

************************************************************************

"Harry… Harry, you're awake!" someone yelled. Harry recognized the voice as Cho.

"Cho? Are you alright?" asked Harry, in a groggy voice.

"Yes. I got out of the way of the dead Randar, but your spell left you rooted at the spot. It's tail hit you across the head, but it only knocked you out. Oh, Harry, I'm so glad your alive… I thought you were dead… All to save you and me…."

"Woe, slow down. I'm not dead. But where are we? I can't see."

"Oh, yeah. Madam Pomfrey said that your sight might be out. We're in the Hospital Wing. Once I knew that the Randar was dead, I levitated you back to the school, and told everyone what happened. And that you saved me. Thank you, oh, how can I thank you?"

"Just by being you. Cho, I… well, I like you a lot. A real lot. So… How would you like to have a butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks sometime?"

"I'd love it," Cho said, and she leaned over and gave Harry a small kiss, right on his lips.

THE END (although, not the end for Harry and Cho!)


	2. Further Adventure: Love Potions Suck

Harry and Cho: The End  
  
It was a quiet night at Hogwarts. Those weren't so common, especially if Fred or George had any say in it. However, this night was quiet.  
For about three minutes, that is.  
Then, the sounds of raucous laughter erupted up the staircase, rising and flying straight to the bed of Harry Potter, who awoke in a cold sweat...  
She was at it again. He knew it.  
Harry leapt out of bed, not stopping to wonder how, exactly, the sounds of a drinking binge from the Ravenclaw Common Room could possibly reach his own bed. He was still too groggy from sleep and paranoia to really care that he was chasing what had to be a ghost.  
Or...was it?  
Though the cue for overly dramatic, cheesy music fell flat, Harry sill threw on his robe and walked out the door, which he did not remember leaving open after being the last one to bed after another date with his girlfriend, Cho. They'd all been sleeping soundly when he came in – even the bunch of pillows that were propped under Ron's sheets to make it look like he was there when he really wasn't.  
Harry trudged down the stairs, having lost his energy somewhere between the open door and the stairs. He was tired of having to chase Cho away from every drop of liquor she could get her hands on. Didn't she understand that it was unhealthy, both for her and their relationship?  
The fire burning in the Common Room fireplace was low. Harry was about to get off the staircase and cross the floor of the room when he noticed something odd. A reddish colored head was sitting at a chair. Presumably there was a body underneath that, but Harry couldn't see that; the back of the chair prevented it.  
Harry, who, in his sleepy haze, still couldn't quite discern reality (though he would after a while – these thinks take time!), realized that the red head was probably Ron. "Hey, Ron," Harry said, wiping the sleep from his eyes.  
Ron swiveled his head very fast towards Harry, the remnants of a contented look vanishing into a look of pure terror as his head came around. Curiously, he did not turn the chair to face Harry – only his head turned.  
When Ron saw who it was, he breathed a sigh of relief. "Phew," he said. "Scared me, mate. I thought you might be McGonagall or somebody coming out to...er...I don't know...scold me or something...so now that I know its only you, that's great...so, ah, what did you want?"  
Harry stopped walking and looked at Ron closely. His friend could be a bit scatterbrained, but he never babbled quite like that. "Are you okay?" Harry asked.  
"Perfect," Ron said quickly, as though he'd expected the question and planned the answer.  
Harry looked him over for a moment, trying to decide what, if anything, was going on, but quickly decided that it wasn't worth the effort. "Well, right then," Harry said. "I'm off to see Cho."  
"G'nite," Ron said, once again in that fast, halting manner that raised Harry's suspicions. Shooting Ron one more contemplative look that signaled that Harry was finally out of his previous stupor, Harry left the Common Room.  
Ron breathed another, deeper sigh of relief and turned back. He looked down at Hermione, who had gone pale, too. "Well, what are you waiting for?" Ron asked. "Let's go again!"  
  
Harry stalked down the corridor, looking for Cho. Of course, he knew right where the Ravenclaw Common Room was, and the half-dream/half-conscious laughter was coming from there, but Harry wanted to have all his bases covered first. So he checked all of Cho's favorite after-hour hangouts. They were all empty, save one that was filled by Roger Davies and a girl whom Harry did not know.  
So Harry went down the stairs to the Ravenclaw Common Room. He knocked eight times on a suit of armor's chest (the Ravenclaw password always involved a series of knocks to the suit) and once Harry was done, the suit turned and opened a previously hidden door in the stone. Harry walked through, and was greeted by a rather scandalous sight.  
Ravenclaw House is, was, and always will be defined by its unusually bright members. Most of those bright members were and are quiet types, keeping their intelligence to themselves.  
Boy, whoever said it's always the quiet ones had the right idea.  
Harry waded through the debauchery (they didn't notice, being rather engrossed in other things) until he found Cho. She was very obviously drunk, though Harry could not guess just how much of the hard liquor she had drunk; seven other girls, each in successively worse states, sat at the same table as Cho, and the bottles littered that table.  
Cho saw Harry, and somewhere inside her alcoholic brain she recognized him. She stood, a wide, bemused grin on her face.  
"I like you," she slurred, her speech coming out horribly distorted.  
"Yeah, I know," Harry said, faking gently and failing. "Come on now, Cho, let's get you to bed."  
"Ooh, bed," Cho said. "That sounds like (hiccup) fun."  
As she shakily rose to her feet, Harry supported all of Cho's weight, which wasn't difficult as she both looked like and had the equivalent weight of a piece of paper. The other girls didn't know that Cho was gone.  
Up the stairs was easy enough. Getting her through the door was a bit of a challenge, but not too bad. Then, Harry shut the door and lay Cho down on her bed. She got back up at once.  
"You can move?" Harry asked. He was only a little annoyed that he'd just basically carried her up the stairs when it wasn't necessary.  
"I can more than move," Cho said, attempting to sound seductive but in the end just sounding like a trashy whore.  
It was enough for the hormonal teenage boy.  
  
Here's the really, really odd part. When Harry and Cho awoke the next morning, it was Harry who couldn't remember a thing of the night before, and somehow, they weren't in Cho's bed. They were both stark naked on a mattress in the middle of the Great Hall.  
"And this ends our study of Sexual Magics. I trust that all of you, having seen the mindlessness that encompassed both our participants, will not be attempting any of these spells again, lest they backfire on you as they have on these two young urchins." McGonagall turned to Harry and Cho.  
"You two are free to go. I trust that this experience will teach you both about the dangers of tampering with love potions."  
Harry, dazed, got up off the mattress. A pair of trousers magically appeared to give him some modesty, though nothing of the sort appeared to cover up Cho, who was still in a mild state of shock. Harry, locating Ron and Hermione, walked over.  
"What the hell is going on here?" Harry demanded.  
"We could see what you were seeing," Hermione said. "And none of it was really happening, besides what you two did together...that's so offensive, Harry..."  
"What is?" Harry asked, now both annoyed and terrified.  
"One of you tried a love potion on the other," Ron said, sounding positively mystified at what he'd just witnessed. "And it backfired. Caused both of you to enter a state of subconscious fantasy. You thought you'd saved Cho from some Randor thing, and she thought she had a brother. And then you thought you'd seen us..."  
"Doing.."  
"Oh, no," Harry said.   
"And then, you two just started..." Hermione trailed off. Clearly, she'd never seen anything like it before. "The longer you stayed in that state, the stranger things got, like you hearing her from across the castle and a suit of armor that could open a door."  
"We had to watch it all," Ron said, not sounding too awfully displeased. "McGonagall wanted to discourage all usage of love potions, and thought she'd make an example of you two in order to scare people away from them."  
"So...that was all a dream?" Harry asked, fear clenching at him.  
"Yes," Hermione said.  
"And you all could see everything that was happening...?"  
"I'm afraid so," Ron said, though he wasn't. Afraid, that is.  
"And I thought you two were...?" Harry trailed off, seeing his horror just as clearly as he now saw a pig flying across the Great Hall.  
"Well, actually..." Hermione said, clutching Ron a bit tighter. "We are!"  
  
And before anyone had a clue what was happening, Ron and Hermione were waking up on that mattress in a rather familiar situation...  
  
The End (Thank God) 


	3. A New Conclusion: Dumbledore Revealed!

As Harry, Hermione, and Ron walked out of the Great Hall, looking shocked and confused and feeling...well, shocked and confused, they each maintained a far-off, forward facing gaze and rather furiously avoided looking at one another.

"What...what just happened?" Harry asked, finally.

Both Hermione and Ron shivered, not bothering to answer.

"They can't do that," Harry said. "They just...can't. I mean, Hogwarts has always done things a bit more dangerously than most schools...but damn...that's _got_ to be illegal..."

Hermione and Ron shivered some more.

The three kept walking, out of the Entrance Hall and onto the grounds. The maintained the direction of their gazes, still not daring to look at each other.

Ginny greeted them on the other side of the door. "Hello there," she said, a truly mischievous grin on her face. "How are you feeling?"

Only Harry managed to look at her; Hermione and Ron were too busy shivering at every word. "How are we feeling?" he asked, his voice going oddly high. "How do you suppose we're feeling?"

"Well, from what I've heard, having a decent lay makes you feel pretty good," Ginny said, winking at Harry. "Where is that girl of yours, anyway?"

Harry looked around, confused. "I don't know," he said. "I...she was..."

Hermione and Ron...yes, they shivered.

"Well, anyway, you shouldn't feel too badly about it all," Ginny said, trying very hard to contain a burst of laughter. "I mean, it was a great show...very educational...really, I feel enlightened..."

"You were watching your brother have sex," Harry said, bluntly. "How is that enlightening?"

Hermione and Ron stopped shivering and turned to stare point blank at Harry. Most unfortunately, for them anyway, Harry was standing in between the two of them, and by turning to stare at him they caught glimpses of each other in their peripheral vision. Both turned red as tomatoes and ran in opposite directions – again, unfortunately, Ron straight into a wall and Hermione into a bush. Ron was knocked instantly (and mercifully) unconscious, while Hermione tripped and sprawled through the bush and out of sight.

"I see that the encore is even better," Ginny said, observing the antics of her brother and his lover and letting a bit of the laughter out.

"Ginny, this is serious," Harry said. "What happened back there was...traumatizing."

"Pfft," Ginny said, brushing Harry's comment off. She leaned forward and whispered in his ear. "There's more of that potion floating around, you know..."

Harry wanted to pull back from Ginny, but as her arms snaked around his neck and back he felt an inexorable force that prevented him from seperating himself from her. After all, she was quite beautiful. And smart! And witty! And talented!

So really...why not?

* * *

This time, when Harry awoke on the mattress in the Great Hall, neither he, nor his partner, now Ginny, were wearing any clothes, although a pair of robes had been deposited beside the mattress for them to put on. McGonagall, looking thoroughly less together than last time, stood next to the mattress, now holding a clipboard in one hand and a quill in the other.

"Right, you can go now," she said, scribbling something on the clipboard. "Consider yourselves punished. Don't play with love potions."

"Professor, we didn't play with love potions," Harry said. McGonagall gave him a fishy stare, and Harry decided that he could better argue his case with clothes on. "We were just outside on the grounds, talking, when we both started...well..."

"Yes, we've seen what the two of you started," McGonagall said, indicating a much smaller group of students than last time. Ginny, mortified, squeaked and grabbed her own robe, attempting at once to use it to cover herself up and to put it on; this may have worked if she hadn't drawn the right sleeve across her thigh.

"Professor, I swear...we didn't use a love potion," Harry said. "Neither of us had any control over our actions."

"Mr. Potter, that will be enough," Professor McGonagall snapped. "You breached the rules here at Hogwarts, and now you have been punished. Good day."

She turned away from the mattress Harry still shared with Ginny, and for the first time Harry saw that there were other mattresses in the Great Hall – at least four others. On one, Hermione and Roger Davies seemed to be having a go...and on another, Ron and Cho were...Harry turned away, not enjoying the sight of what his best friend and former girlfriend were doing to each other. The other two mattresses were unoccupied, although judging by their disarray, they hadn't been that way for long.

"What is this?" Harry muttered to himself.

"Horrifying?" Ginny squeaked, unable to bring her voice back to some semblance of normalcy.

"Besides that," Harry said. "There's something odd going on here..."

* * *

When Hermione and Ron were done...ahem..._copulating_ with their respective partners, they joined Harry and headed up to the library.

"Roger Davies?" Ron asked, sounding somewhere between amused and disgusted.

Hermione shrugged. "I found him in the bushes. Dunno what he was doing there."

When they entered the library, Madam Pince shot them all dirty looks. Harry looked down and realized that the three of them were only wearing the robes provided by Professor McGonagall, and nothing else...which was quite noticeable. Blushing, Harry summoned a pair of trousers and a shirt from his dormitory. Catching on and also blushing, both Hermione and Ron followed suit. True to form, Ron's shirt didn't show up with his trousers, and he was forced to sit down with Harry and Hermione shirtless.

"Something very...odd...is going on around here," Harry said.

"We've noticed," Hermione said, eyeing Ron's bare chest.

"McGonagall keeps telling us that we've been using love potions on each other, but I haven't ever used one, let alone two in the past twenty-four hours," Harry said. "And now...geez, up until yesterday, I was a virgin..."

"I wasn't..." Ron said.

"Yeah, and now...wait...what?" Harry said, his train of thought completely thrown off by Ron's strange comment. "You...what?"

"Huh?" Hermione asked, her eyes as fixated on Ron as his were on her. "Did you say something, Harry?"

"Oh, don't you two do this," Harry said. "I need you to help me. You can't go off and..."

"Too late," Ron and Hermione said at the same time, and they pounced on each other, disappearing as soon as they made contact.

"Great. Now what am I supposed to do?" Harry asked. Just then, Ron's shirt, bearing a tear (it must have snagged on something on the way up, accounting for its delay) came flying into the room at breakneck speed, apparently attempting to make up for lost time. It hit Harry squarely in the face, knocking his chair over backwards and spilling Harry onto the floor of the library.

Madam Pince shot Harry another dirty look and then, doing a slight double-take, looked back, no doubt wondering where Ron and Hermione had gotten themselves off to. Harry, plucking Ron's shirt off of his face and tossing it aside, saw her inquisitive look and shrugged.

Harry picked himself up off the floor, picked up his chair, and then stood, looking at the vast library. He was going to have do this by himself...and he was going to have to avoid females while he was at it.

An hour and a half later, Hermione and Ron dragged themselves back into the library. "What took you guys?" Harry asked. He quickly held up his hands. "That was rhetorical...I don't really want to know..."

Hermione and Ron both blushed, but neither seemed singularly embarrassed this time. Mostly, they seemed tired. "Look, Hermione, don't take this personally, but...don't come near me, okay?" Harry said. "Whatever's doing this is pairing up whoever comes in close contact with us, and we need to focus on work and not...that."

Hermione nodded, halfheartedly. "Okay," Harry said. "I'm going to start in Curses and see if there's anything that matches the...uh...symptoms. Hermione, you can check Hogwarts, A History and see if this has ever happened before...and Ron, you check the old Daily Prophet archives...there might be something about this happening somewhere else."

Hermione and Ron sleepily nodded their consent, moving off towards the history section of the library. A few minutes later, Harry snuck a peak around a bookstack to check on their progress...and neither was there.

"Amazing," Harry muttered.

* * *

As the night wore on, Harry began to despair of finding anything in the Curses section on rampant, unexplainable lust. Sure, there were plenty of curses that could do the job, but they had to be administered singularly, and what was happening at Hogwarts seemed to be more of a blanket effect.

"Halio Sexo," Harry muttered, reading aloud. "A curse to make the Cursee feel uncontrollable lust towards the closest member of the opposite sex, or the same sex in the case of a compatible sexual preference. Well, that _sounds_ like the culprit...but who could be putting these curses on us?"

Just then, Fawkes the Phoenix flew in through the closest library window. Harry quickly checked on Madam Pince – if she saw a bird in the library she'd probably kick Harry out – but she was thoroughly engaged in the latest edition of Witch Weekly, and was paying Harry and his new company no mind.

"Fawkes...what are you doing here?" Harry asked.

Fawkes reached out one of his great talons and tossed Harry the Sorting Hat, which fell in Harry's lap. Harry looked down at the crumpled old hat and then back up at the Phoenix, inquisitively. Fawkes jabbed at the air with his beak in the direction of the Hat, and Harry, taking the hint, put it on.

_Why hello, Harry_, the Sorting Hat said, in Harry's mind.

_Hello..._ Harry said. _Could I ask you what's going on here?_

_Whatever do you mean by that?_ The Sorting Hat asked.

_Me – and all of my friends – have been getting hit by the Halio Sexo curse every few minutes the entire day. We keep waking up in the Great Hall, too. Who could be doing this?_

_Oh, Harry...such a suspicious creature you are. You would have made an excellent Slytherin, as I told you all those years ago. It sounds like a classic case of teenage hormones to me._

_It can't just be hormones,_ Harry said. _The whole thing's been really weird from the start...and how do you explain all of us waking up in the Great Hall?_

_Harry, Harry,_ the Hat said, sounding conciliatory. _Sometimes strange things happen in this castle, things that no one can explain. Usually, I don't try to._

_There has to be an explanation, and...hold on..._ Harry said, realizing something mid-thoughtsentence. _What are _you_ doing here?_

_Me? Can't I just come out with Fawkes to visit an old friend?_ The Hat asked, jokingly.

_You and all of this must be connected somehow, I know it,_ Harry said, feeling confidant in his hypothesis.

The Hat was quiet for a moment _Well, enough of that_, it said. _I happen to know that your friend Ginny is downstairs in the Common Room at this very minute...she's wearing a very, very nice red dress...I'm sure you'd like to see her in it...and you'd probably like to see her out of it, too..._

Harry felt his stomach turn over. He suddenly, very badly, did want to see Ginny in that red dress...and he wanted to see her out of it even worse. He began to sweat, his vision losing focus. His hands shook. His fingers lost their grip on the Hat and it slid sideways on his head. His feet shook, for Christ's sake.

Harry slid down, sideways, in his chair, the physical need burning inside him. As he slid, the Hat slid further askew, and eventually fell off. Instantly, the paralyzing burning sensation left Harry. He looked down at the Hat, accusingly.

"You were trying to distract me," he said. "But why...?"

Harry looked up, intending that next question for his old friend Fawkes, but Fawkes was no longer sitting on the table in front of him. Instead, a massive Randar stood there, its tail poised and ready. The Randar swung its tail, hitting Harry in the head and causing him to black out...but before that blackness consumed him, a tiny light went on his mind.

* * *

"Harry... Harry, you're awake!" a voice yelled over him. Harry recognized the voice as Ginny.

"Ginny? Are you alright?" Harry asked, groggily.

"Uh, yeah..." Ginny said. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Harry's grogginess cleared instantly and his eyes came fully open. Strangely, he couldn't see. "No reason..." he said. "Where are we? I can't see."

"Madam Pomfrey said that your sight might be out. We're in the Hospital Wing. Once I knew the Randar was dead, I levitated you back to the school, and told everyone what happened. And that you saved me. Thank you, oh, how can I thank you?"

Harry rubbed his forehead, attempting to get the headache out through his forehead. "Exactly what are you thanking me for now?" he asked.

"I have no idea," Ginny said, perplexed. "I don't know, the words just...came out..."

"This is really, really –" Harry started to say, but didn't get to finish the sentence.

"I'd love to," Ginny said, and ravenously jumped on top of him.

* * *

The next morning, Harry, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione, as well as several other couples (there were now ten mattresses), awoke in the Great Hall.

McGonagall looked frankly annoyed. "Don't waste any more of my time," she snipped at them, not even mentioning punishment.

The four who were, by this time, more or less accustomed to waking up in this position each grabbed their clothes, dressed, and left the Hall, where the other victims were just starting to come to terms with what they'd just partaken in.

"Listen, guys, I'm not sure how long we have before this starts again," Harry said. "But last night, in the library, I found the curse. It's called Halio Sexo, the –"

"Lust curse!" Hermione interjected. "Of course!"

"Uh, yeah," Harry said. "Of course. Anyway, there's no way that this is a blanket curse...whoever is doing it has to curse each of us separately. And it seems that if we got a certain amount of time without being cursed again, reality starts breaking down...I thought I saw a Randar last night..."

Ron nodded. "And I thought I saw a pussy cat."

Hermione grinned slyly. "Well, maybe not the "cat" part..."

All four turned sharply towards each other. "Oh God," Hermione said, covering her mouth with both hands. "Is it happening again?"

"Do not worry, Miss Granger," an ethereal voice said from above them. "It will not happen to you again."

Albus Dumbledore, floating in midair, shimmered into view above them. Fawkes sat on his shoulder. "Professor Dumbledore!" Harry said. "Did you catch whoever's been doing this to us?"

"Not exactly, Harry," Dumbledore said, smiling his twinkling smile. "It was I who was doing it."

"What!" the four teenagers gasped, exclaimed, yelled, and cursed...and not particularly in that order.

"Yes, it was I," Dumbledore said, floating down to stand in front of the shocked group of teens. "You see, very early in my life, I discovered that my parents were from the future, and that they had sent me back in time, for reasons of their own. Although I never came to fully understand those reasons, over time, and applying my rather considerable magical skill, I was able to discern from _which_ time I originated. Namely...this time.

"As you may have guessed, I became Headmaster of Hogwarts with the intention of steering whoever would become my parents towards each other, in order to assure that the event actually happened – it was entirely possible that I had already altered the timeline in such a way as to prevent my parents from ever meeting, and I needed to make as sure as possible that my parents would meet here at Hogwarts, conceive a child, and send that child back in time.

"So, I waited. I watched as children with slightly compatible genetic structures came and went, and I made sure to subtly match them up with other students with compatible genetic structures. Harry, Ron, Ginny, I matched all of your parents together, knowing that in all likelihood, it would be one of the two of you who would eventually be my father. I magically tracked my birthdate to approximately nine months from now, and acted, beginning to cast lust spells on anyone with compatible genes.

"Although at first, I believed Miss Chang to be the best genetic match for Harry, I had an epiphany after watching their...festivities...and several of Miss Chang's more undesirable hobbies, I realized that they weren't to be my parents. So, too, did I realize that Ron and Hermione probably weren't going to be my parents, although they still held promise. Then, I had a second epiphany...what if I _combined_ the Potter and Weasley lines? Harry and Ginny were both perfectly compatible, both genetically and by their auras.

"Therefore, I'm proud to announce...Ginny Weasley, you're pregnant! With...me!"

"No," Harry said.

"Freaking," Ron added.

"Way," Hermione finished.

All three of the trio turned to look at Ginny, who stood, stunned.

"I'm...pregnant?" Ginny asked. "How am I going to tell my parents?"

"Do not worry," Dumbledore said, smiling at...well, his mother...icky as that sounds. "I will notify Molly and Arthur...oh dear...they will be my grandparents now, won't they be? I will also make sure that you are not chastised here at school, and once the baby is ready, we will send it back in time. Now, I'd best be on my way...many preparations to attend to..."

Dumbledore once more shimmered out of view, although Fawkes remained with the still-stunned Harry, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione.

* * *

"_Deus Ex Machina_," Fawkes said, and all four teenagers turned to stare at the Phoenix.

"You talk?" Ron asked.

"_Deus Ex Machina_," Fawkes repeated.

"Uh, I"ll bite," Ginny said. "What's a Deus Ex Machina?"

"It's an old theater technique from Ancient Greece, where a godly character would step in at the last minute to save the hero of the play from certain death. A machine would lower the godly character in, who would resolve the plot happily without requiring the hero to die or do any real dirty work...and it just happened here."

"I don't get it," Harry said, confused.

"It means that you ponces were too thick to figure everything out before the end of the story," Fawkes said.

"Wait, do you mean..." Hermione asked, comprehension dawning on her face, as well as the faces of her friends. Slowly, all four turned to stare out of the computer screen on which these flowing lines of text are printed. That's right, reader – they're looking at _you_.

And considering their track record of late, if you wind up waking up naked on a bare mattress in the middle of a fancy cafeteria with a strange person...don't be too surprised.


End file.
